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"We
were given two ears but only one mouth, because listening is twice
as hard as talking."
Brief Theory of Communication
Expressing our wants, feelings, thoughts and opinions clearly and
effectively is only half of the communication process needed for
interpersonal effectiveness. The other half is listening and
understanding what others communicate to us. When a person decides
to communicate with another person, he/she does so to fulfill a
need. The person wants something, feels discomfort, and/or has
feelings or thoughts about something. In deciding to communicate,
the person selects the method or code which he/she believes will
effectively deliver the message to the other person. The code used
to send the message can be either verbal or nonverbal. When the
other person receives the coded message, they go through the
process of decoding or interpreting it into understanding and
meaning. Effective communication exists between two people when
the receiver interprets and understands the sender’s message in
the same way the sender intended it.
Sources of Difficulty by the Speaker
-
Voice volume too low to be heard.
- Making the message too complex, either by including too many
unnecessary details or too many issues.
- Getting lost, forgetting your point or the purpose of the
interaction.
- Body language or nonverbal elements contradicting or interfering
with the verbal message, such as smiling when anger
or hurt is being expressed.
- Paying too much attention to how the other person is taking the
message, or how the person might react.
- Using a very unique code or unconventional method for delivering
the message.
Sources of Difficulty by the
Listener
- Being preoccupied and not listening.
- Being so interested in what you have to say that you listen
mainly to find an opening to get the floor.
- Formulating and listening to your own rebuttal to what the
speaker is saying.
- Listening to your own personal beliefs about what is being said.
- Evaluating and making judgments about the speaker or the
message.
- Not asking for clarification when you know that you do not
understand.
The Three Basic Listening Modes
1. Competitive or Combative Listening
happens when we are more interested in promoting our own point of
view than in understanding or exploring someone else’s view. We
either listen for openings to take the floor, or for flaws or weak
points we can attack. As we pretend to pay attention we are
impatiently waiting for an opening, or internally formulating our
rebuttal and planning our devastating comeback that will destroy
their argument and make us the victor.
2. In
Passive or Attentive Listening
we are genuinely interested in hearing and understanding the other
person’s point of view. We are attentive and passively listen. We
assume that we heard and understand correctly. but stay passive
and do not verify it.
3. Active
or Reflective Listening
is
the single most useful and important listening skill. In active
listening we are also genuinely interested in understanding what
the other person is thinking, feeling, wanting or what the message
means, and we are active in checking out our understanding before
we respond with our own new message. We restate or paraphrase our
understanding of their message and reflect it back to the sender
for verification. This verification or feedback process is what
distinguishes active listening and makes it effective.
Levels
of Communication
Listening effectively is difficult because people vary in their
communication skills and in how clearly they express themselves,
and often have different needs, wants and purposes for
interacting. The different types of interaction or levels of
communication also adds to the difficulty. The four different
types or levels are:
1. Clichés.
2. Facts.
3. Thoughts and beliefs.
4. Feelings and emotions.
As a listener we attend to the level that we think is most
important. Failing to recognize the level most relevant and
important to the speaker can lead to a kind of crossed wires where
the two people are not on the same wavelength. The purpose of the
contact and the nature of our relationship with the person will
usually determine what level or levels are appropriate and
important for the particular interaction. Note the different
requirements in the following situations:
- You’re
lost, and you ask a stranger for directions.
- Your
child comes to you crying.
-
You are in trouble and someone offers to help.
-
Your spouse is being affectionate and playful.
-
Opposing council is cross-examining you in court.
If we don’t address the appropriate elements we will not be very
effective, and can actually make the situation worse. For example:
If your wife is telling you about her hurt feelings and you focus
on the facts of the situation and don’t acknowledge her feelings,
she will likely become even more upset.
There is a
real distinction
between merely hearing the words and really listening for the
message. When we listen effectively we understand what the person
is thinking and/or feeling from the other person’s own
perspective. It is as if we were standing in the other person’s
shoes, seeing through his/her eyes and listening through the
person's ears. Our own viewpoint may be different and we may not
necessarily agree with the person, but as we listen, we understand
from the other's perspective. To listen effectively, we must be
actively involved in the communication process, and not just
listening passively.
We all act and respond on the basis of our understanding, and too
often there is a misunderstanding that neither of us is aware of.
With active listening, if a misunderstanding has occurred, it will
be known immediately, and the communication can be clarified
before any further misunderstanding occurs. Several other possible
benefits occur with active listening:
-
Sometimes a person just needs to be heard and acknowledged before
the person is willing to consider an alternative or
soften his /her position.
-
It is often easier for a person to listen to and consider the
other’s position when that person knows the other is
listening and considering
his/her position.
-
It helps people to spot the flaws in their reasoning when they
hear it played back without criticism.
-
It also helps identify areas of agreement so the areas of
disagreement are put in perspective and are diminished
rather than magnified.
- Reflecting
back what we hear each other say helps give each a chance to
become aware of the different levels that are
going on below the surface. This helps to bring things into the
open where they can be more readily resolved.
-
If we accurately understand the other person’s view, we can be
more effective in helping the person see the flaws in
his/her position.
-
If we listen so we can accurately
understand the other’s view, we can also be more effective in
discovering the flaws in
our own position.
Listening Tips
- Usually
it is important to paraphrase and use your own words in
verbalizing your understanding of the message.
Parroting back the words verbatim is annoying and does not ensure
accurate understanding of the message.
-
Depending on the purpose of the
interaction and your understanding of what is relevant, you could
reflect back the
other persons:
1. Account of the facts.
2. Thoughts and beliefs.
3. Feelings and emotions.
4. Wants, needs or motivation.
5. Hopes and expectations.
- Don’t
respond to just the meaning of the words, look for the feelings or
intent beyond the words. The dictionary or
surface meaning of the words or code
used by the sender is not the message.
- Inhibit
your impulse to immediately answer questions. The code may be in
the form of a question. Sometimes people
ask questions when they really want
to express themselves and are not open to hearing an answer.
- Know
when to quit using active listening. Once you accurately
understand the sender’s message, it may be appropriate
to respond with your own message.
Don’t use active listening to hide and avoid revealing your own
position.
- If
you are confused and know you do not understand, either tell the
person you don’t understand and ask him/her to
say it another way, or use your best guess. If you are incorrect,
the person will realize it and will likely attempt to correct
your misunderstanding.
- Active
listening is a very effective first response when the other person
is angry, hurt or expressing difficult feelings
toward you, especially in relationships that are important to you.
-
Use eye contact and listening body language. Avoid looking at your
watch or at other people or activities around the
room. Face and lean toward the speaker and nod your head, as it is
appropriate. Be careful about crossing your arms
and appearing closed or critical.
-
Be empathic and nonjudgmental. You can be accepting and respectful
of the person and their feelings and beliefs
without invalidating or giving up your own position, or without
agreeing with the accuracy and validity of their view.
Become a more
effective listener. Practice the active listening technique and
make it one of your communication skills.
Edited by:
Mona Gawiche
Source:
Larry
Alan Nadig, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist Marriage & Family Therapist
http://www.drnadig.com/listening.htm |
